Hear me, dont just listen. This is life through my eyes.

It is nearing my two year anniversary for my rape; it has taken me a long time to realize something God has been trying to teach me.

"Just make it go away."

I remember how often I thought that and said it when I was talking to people trying to figure out everything that had happened. I was so lost.

I told everyone I just wished it would go away.
People listened, but they didnt hear me.

I didnt want to make a choice that so serious and had such heavy repercutions. I didnt want to put a good man who had made a mistake behind bars, especially if I had contributed, because I knew what would happen to a convicted rapist. But I didnt want to make the choice that would allow a rapist back on the streets to do it again, because I know when a man gets away with one thing, he thinks he can get away with everything.

I didnt want to be questioned as the victim, I didnt want my character put on trial, my reputation slandered, I didnt want to lose friends. I didnt want friends to call me a liar, I didnt want "friends" to backstab and gossip about me, I didnt want my family to hurt, I didnt want my whole life to be scrutinized, I didnt want my loved ones to watch helplessly as my life completely fell apart as hell consumed me.

I didnt want anything that came as a result of his actions. But I was led blindy to believe I was responsible for everything. I made mistakes. But I learned. And for a long time, I compared my life to his, and asked justice where he was, and questioned peace where she had gone, only now looking back to understand that since this mess had started, I didnt have to play God. My job was to let go, to forgive, to love myself and move on and just let God do his job.

God was meant to judge, he is the perfect judge. That isnt my job, and I shouldnt have been made to feel like it was, I didnt want to, but I took the role, and made mistakes, but now I know my role. God is capable of serving the perfect justice. So now, for me, letting go is God's law.