A moment of weakness, what you never would know.

Sometimes the pain of what has happened to me, gets the best of me.

I hate what you did to me.

I hate how I lost friends. I hate how I lost my happiness. I hate how I lost my security. I hate how I lost faith and trust.

I hate how you forced me to change my whole life, inside and out, up and down, no corner left untouched.

I hate how you took all I had, in ignorance of my voice.

I have to forgive myself for what I feel and how I react.

But you want to know moments that have scarred me for life?

When I had to sit alone in a walmart bathroom stall and take a pregnancy test.
When I had to take pregnancy tests alone for 3 months.
All when I had grown up with the dream, shattered, that I would be waiting anxiously with a man, my husband, who I was very in love with, and who loved me, unconditionally - and we had wanted and tried to have a child out of love, not out of lust. Facing the fact that I might have had your child, out of your selfishness, your mistake...alone.

When I had to take tests, that would potentially effect my future...my relationships, my health, my ability to not only exist, but to live. Tests that would possibly change my husbands mind, tests that could change my choice to have children, healthy children. And having to take those tests alone.

I hate how it wasn't enough only for you to disrespect me in the most hurtful way a person can disrespect another person, but for you to be the offender to blame the victim, and to slander my name.

But mostly I hate how you made me hate myself.
This is what you made me.

And what you did to me, you already did to you.

Confusion

Do you remember when we first met?

Do you remember every step you took to get into my life? Become my life?

Do you remember how I told you, that you gave me my heart back when I had nothing to give, and since you had...all I had to give, was yours?

Do you remember I told you, I define "ride or die"?

Remember when you used to care?

I do. I remember everything.
And I try not to.

I'm trying to get over you.
But nothing replaces you.       Close that door.

I don't know if I want you to love me...at all. Your confusing me.

Blindsided, losing my lover and best friend. You say what we had is gone, but when we talk, there are times when its just like it used to be, but in reality, nothing is like it used to be.

I don't know what you think, my feelings don't matter to you anymore. I never want to see another girl with you, but I hear about it, and that still hurts. You gave me no other choice, but obviously, I wasn't your first choice, so don't be mad that I do what I have to do. I would have chosen you.

It hurts me, the things you say and do. I see them. I hear them. I feel them.

Love is like the current in the ocean. Swim out...out in the deep and once your in and under deep, you cross the line, the currents wont let you go back on shore. How can you ask me to do that?

Stranger, I dont know you anymore. And now when all is done, there is nothing to say. You have gone and so effortlessly. You have won, you can go ahead tell them. all we had is gone now. Tell them I was happy, and my heart is broken, all my scars are open, tell them what I hoped would be.

Falling out of love is hard. Falling for betrayal is worst....broken trust and broken hearts,thinking all you need is there, building faith on love and words, empty promises will wear.
I know, I know.
Don't play mind games with me. I don't believe in real love; I lost the faith.
Convinced no guys will miss me, left in the lost and found.
Don't blame me if I never open up; never being filled with joy, you become a bitter, broken cup.
Afraid to start and say whats in my heart:
History loves to repeat itself; now I'm done with love.

Love

Trust once betrayed, in one form, shatters the entire foundation.

I cant help the thoughts "what if"...the worst...

I don't know if you meant it when you said you loved me and fell out of love with me, or if you never meant it and I was a trophy to add to your collection.

I'm inclined to believe it was never love, because of past lessons I learned, that love doesn't change. There isn't an "exit" sign when your in love.

Although they say to fake it till you make it, sometimes I wonder if that's right. So much on my mind...

Acting like I never loved you...that I still don't carry that same love for you, is a disgrace to you, because I would be lying - to everyone, myself included. I don't regret it, I just cant forget it.

Its time to let it all go, not easy, I fought it, but at one point I am going to have to deal with it, why not now so I can get to moving. I'm not saying to sit and cry, cause I know that will never change anything.

I know it wont change the fact that you broke promises, it wont change the fact that I still want to talk to you everyday, and share the rest of my life with you, it wont change that it hurts me that your not here to hold me when I need you most and just want to be with you. It wont change that I fell so deep in love with you.

But there are steps in moving on, and I missed a couple. Its fine, I stepped ahead to far ahead, missed a step and tripped, its alright. I have to get up and move on, there is no other choice.

I love you and I miss you, but it wouldn't be right to keep doing it. I wish we never did it and loved it, I don't know if we can be friends...and that is what I want most from you, since its all I can get...but we cant take it back - I was the super girlfriend, but I am human...and I don't know if I can do it, now everything is different, losing my lover and my friend.

Saying hello to goodbye. I think...

Peices of me.

Admittance hurts my pride, saying what I feel makes me vulnerable and my feelings intensify, irrational - maybe, but my feelings are valid. I still don't trust myself.

No matter the loud music, the amount of time spent in service, how busy I stay working and running...pushing the "restart button" in my life - no matter how much I go out and live it up, no matter how many good people I bring into my life, no matter how much time I spend dating other people....

There is no remedy for the broken hearted...people die from broken hearts. Surprised I am still here, but a beating heart is a beautiful thing, no matter how many scars make up that heart. Some are beautiful, some are ugly and deep. But they say time makes things better....I question the faith and hope I have. Nothing makes it better when I hurt.

Blind sided, it makes me not want to give - to shut off entirely. What I want, irrelevant, and there is nothing I can do, no one I can be to change it. I wish it were different.

Frustrations and insecurities rise, looking through all my thoughts, looking over my shoulder. Who I used to be, I was happy. Everything they put me through, I didn't deserve, but choices made weren't mine, and consequences are what I live with everyday, but wishful thinking wont get me anywhere...finding what to do, where to go, how to be - knowing how to move on...that's the hardest.

You took, all I could give, and more. The unthinkable, you did. I didn't know who I was, and its taken time to reach this point, but this a journey I never could see, and I still have a long road to walk. Often, it feels lonely, some points I have enough courage to raise my head, but the hurt I feel is something that isn't going away any time soon, and the next step often takes all I have, and the result is only m crawling. I want to run.

Although I learned many lessons, your effect ripples to every part of my life. The aftermath, most don't understand; and the feelings caused by what you did, changed me. See, they don't tell you your whole life changes, everything changes. They don't tell you, that the people in your life feel the repercussions of your choice. The lessons you taught unfair, and too extreme....I have to find my middle ground. And it isn't easy.

No trust, assumptions that everyone else intends hurt - closing myself off, being too guarded. Everything I used to be, how I saw the world, my beliefs you changed, shamefully admitted you broke me. And now I am stuck here trying to put it together and come back better. I don't trust myself and don't know if I can do it, I am only human.

But even with time, I still feel depleted, broken and empty, if I only had a wish, I would be whole and restored. It wasn't my fault, but I still fight with myself over it. Knowing is something different, but feeling what I know, is on another level. My feelings, I don't know what to do with them, but I do know I don't want them. I'm left with so many questions, and I know they wont be answered in this life.

God I'm sorry, forgive me, but the hurt I felt has changed me...I pray it is temporary. But it feels longer than a "small season". My bed knows my heart well, it has seen what they have done - the tears God counts, and one day will testify against you. God I didn't mean what I said, just stay with me.

Transitional points, always difficult, but I have no choice, I have to do my best, too often I feel I fall short. Friends, blessings....try to talk me through it all, trying to reconfirm I will be OK, I will get through it, it will get better - but its hard to believe. I just wont give up, test of my faith, I hope proves itself.
This isn't me, and I have all the more reason to be, its hard letting go, especially of things that you want, familiarity and choice, but I don't see like God does, and maybe its for the best. If he sees fit that I can undergo all of my burdens, then I will, but it wouldn't be my choice, but I have to trust him. Grateful, some days when my vision is cleared; but I need the good people in my life to try to understand, and to be patient. One day I hope I will be better. I'm still going....its been awhile, but it will still be awhile. I don't know how much more I can do.

Forgiveness is required, patience, work - hard work...if I have to cry, I have to. I need to let it all go. Didn't ask for any of it, didn't want it. I got to get this out of my mind, out of me. I deserve to smile. Make it through the probems and the pain, hold it down. It has to get better.

Fake it till you make it, (kind of already did that...denial isnt my best friend) get up dress with a smile, don't let them see you down, its what they want, front and cover it up. Get over it, in time they wont matter anymore. Chin up, take that step, move forward - its the only choice I have. Silence the voices in your head that were left there to ruin the rest of what is rightful yours. Happiness and peace, my life belongs to me. A little more faith, a little more hope, give when you feel there is nothing left to give.

There is no replacing, only building.
Easily said, time to live it.

July....and the beauty in becoming.

What do you think of when you hear the word "July"?

"Fireworks?
                     Freedom?
                                      Summer?
                                                     Pools?
                                                                 Parties?
                                                                             Independence? "

I laid in bed last night, disappointed that I no longer associate any of these words with July;

that on the day when I should be celebrating my freedom, that good - great men gave their lives for...I am remembering when mine was taken away from me. I despise that I think of this part of my past.

Not to complain, only to express all the feelings inside me...

I want to celebrate...I feel like this is my way of making a change...I want to fully embrace my life as my own. This is my turning point to brighter days, filled with more, more.

A year ago, the unexpected, unbelievable, unforeseeable, and for some, unforgivable happened. No one could have ever prepared me for what blind sided me; young, naive`, innocent....

My freedom was taken...
My voice silenced....
My feelings ignored....
My choice, discarded.

A crime against me, put me into a world I didn't know could exist for me....moving forward, breaking through and finding middle ground...even a year later, is still a journey I am taking.

Trial and error, I have grown. Hurt, pain, sorrow - depths I didn't know could exist...situations, feelings, experiences...I didn't know about, never imagined.

All these experience have helped grow and learn, easy...please. Most difficult thing in my life, no doubt...with no exaggeration.

A year ago, I lost everything. A year later...a point I never thought I would ever see, I used every bit of strength I had to pull myself up, to crawl, to learn to walk....one day I will be running, and having lost everything, I will have everything.

There is no doubt in my mind, how good my God is. There is no doubt that His promises wont be fulfilled. I know one day, I will recompensed for, I know I will be healed and whole. I know that those moments of most bitterness, will no longer exist and my happiness, joy and love will be more than I can hold within me. I know everything I want and have been working for will be mine. That the moment when he took my life from me, will no longer be a loss, only a faint memory and he will no longer mean anything to me, it will no longer hurt.

It hurts my pride to admit, I have been hurt, deeply hurt. But a year later I have can say it. Forgiveness, has brought me here, and I know where I am going, and I know it will get me there....God has never failed me.

Never again will my freedom be taken from me, never again will my voice be silenced...never will I let anyone steal my happiness, my peace....steal anything, and everything from me...I will not be acted upon, ever again.

My Declaration of Independence, my step to move forward, to change, to just BE.
I wont associate the 4th of July with my greatest lost any longer, I will associate my greatest moment of growth and change and self realization and value. My chin is finally up. I know who I am, my worth...and I wont let anyone try to take it from me.