Hear me, dont just listen. This is life through my eyes.

It is nearing my two year anniversary for my rape; it has taken me a long time to realize something God has been trying to teach me.

"Just make it go away."

I remember how often I thought that and said it when I was talking to people trying to figure out everything that had happened. I was so lost.

I told everyone I just wished it would go away.
People listened, but they didnt hear me.

I didnt want to make a choice that so serious and had such heavy repercutions. I didnt want to put a good man who had made a mistake behind bars, especially if I had contributed, because I knew what would happen to a convicted rapist. But I didnt want to make the choice that would allow a rapist back on the streets to do it again, because I know when a man gets away with one thing, he thinks he can get away with everything.

I didnt want to be questioned as the victim, I didnt want my character put on trial, my reputation slandered, I didnt want to lose friends. I didnt want friends to call me a liar, I didnt want "friends" to backstab and gossip about me, I didnt want my family to hurt, I didnt want my whole life to be scrutinized, I didnt want my loved ones to watch helplessly as my life completely fell apart as hell consumed me.

I didnt want anything that came as a result of his actions. But I was led blindy to believe I was responsible for everything. I made mistakes. But I learned. And for a long time, I compared my life to his, and asked justice where he was, and questioned peace where she had gone, only now looking back to understand that since this mess had started, I didnt have to play God. My job was to let go, to forgive, to love myself and move on and just let God do his job.

God was meant to judge, he is the perfect judge. That isnt my job, and I shouldnt have been made to feel like it was, I didnt want to, but I took the role, and made mistakes, but now I know my role. God is capable of serving the perfect justice. So now, for me, letting go is God's law.

"Friends"

If the last two years have taught me anything, I have learned alot about friends.

I used to befriend everyone, I used to see all the good and ignore the negative. I am so understanding, that I used to believe that understanding excused wrong doing. I used to give and give, and got nothing in return.

I have lost alot of friends, for a couple reasons:

1. My life became "too ugly" for some people to stay and support me in my life when I needed them most. In this case, all I have to say is that its their loss. Honestly, if you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. I felt so abandoned for so long, and very alone when I was trying to reach out, and many of my "friends" just let me fall. I learned alot about my choice of friends.

2. I choose to let go of certain people because my relationship with them, became toxic for me. Misery loves company, and some people just intentionally loved dragging me down. I let go of the people who hurt me, to make room for people who deserved to be in my life, and to help what good, positive relationships I have grow.

Either way, I learned that it is all about the quality, not quantity of friends I am choosing to let in my life. I am sick of the fair-weather friends. There are people in my life who stood by me at my worse and others just left, or threw their hands up. Part of me understands why people say to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer...because your always on guard with your enemies, when friends betray you, its a backstabbing, blind side slap to the face. Sometimes we compromise ourselves to find out some people just dont belong in our lives. Im done cmpromising.

I have gone through some healing phases, and I am starting to feel ready to have a new, good, positive social life. Including men. I have a long way to go.

I am ready for some trial and error. I am ready to make mistakes, because that means I am trying.

Suicide.

A friend posted this on his facebook status.

"Suicide."

Apparently he had been watching the movie 7 Pounds with Will Smith. I have seen that movie and I love it. I think it is so beautiful, and contains so much depth. It brought me to recollection of my life in the last two years...

I was once told people with depression just feel deeper and more intensely than most people. When I heard this, I was at a point in my life, when I was so numb, I couldn't feel any emotions...if someone told me that someone they loved died, mentally, I knew it was sad, but my ability to offer my emotions, my humanity, my sympathy...from my heart, I couldn't.

When I was younger, I had my depression, I was sad because of (looking back now) seemingly small, and less important things. I was taken off my dance team for not looking ideal, and being skinny enough. I was told I couldn't get my black belt by the time I graduated (by the way, I ended up getting several black belts by graduation), I was mad when I got grounded and was forbidden to see my "boyfriends"...so of course, there were times when I was being dramatic and thought, sometimes wished I wasn't here, because I didn't like hurting, but I never knew I could hurt like I have.

Now, things hurt more - this journey gets harder when you start your changes from high school to college, and then some. I still have a long way to go before my journey is through, but I know I will be OK through everything.

In the last two years, I have been suicidal more times than I can remember. Christmas 2010...I remember things got so bad, I finally texted my mom and told her I wanted to kill myself. My mom put me on house arrest, with the only exception of work - and was constantly looking after me to make sure I was OK, my dad found an emergency therapy with his work to help me get through my suicidal moments. It lasted 2 weeks...there was 3 attempts that were hampered by a friend, a couple thoughts influenced by friends, and a call from my mother.

In the last year, there have been 2 super big events , but multiple small break downs. When you hurt so much, that you cant seem to catch a break, and you feel dead inside and a genuine smile you used to have is as rare as rain in the desert, when the life in your eyes leaves...when you try to stand but fall time and time again, and are kicked when you are down, by everyone, intentionally and unintentionally, when you are betrayed by trusted friends, leaders...

When nothing you do makes you feel better, when you feel suffocates and like your drowning...and everything is reversed, when you used to rarely have bad days and most good days - and now you have more bad days, in over a 2 year period you could count how many "OK" days you had on one hand. That depression, that takes ahold of your heart, even your soul....that sucks the life out of you literally, until you literally have nothing to give, infact, you cant even help yourself take what love and care the most important people in your life try to give you...when life loses all purpose, hope and meaning...there isn't anything worth living for.

I am a strong person, I can recall a week when my closest friends all within the same week, told me "wow, you are going through hell, and I don't know how you are making it still...". I know how I made it, when I gave up on myself, I had others who wouldn't give up on me.

I don't remember what happiness or peace feel like; I am finally in a place where I can say I am "OK" and mean it, it has been a long time since I could say that. "OK" isn't where I want to be, or should be, I know I deserve better, but it is progress - and any kind of progress, even small progress is still progress and I will take what I can get, because it gives me hope that one day, I will have what I so desperately want. It hasn't been pretty, it has been so ugly, this beautiful mess inside of me, but I am making new, better choices for me, to get better, to move on, and be happy.

I just want to thank everyone who has stood by me and continues to stand by me through all the mess, and all the broken, ugly parts of my life that I am still cleaning up, all the hurt I am still healing from, all the loss I am still recovering from, the demons I am still fighting, and my past I am learning to settle myself with and come content and at peace with. Thank you for not giving up on me, for loving me when I have been unlovable - for holding my hand, supporting, encouraging, lifting, trying to understand, for offering all you could to help me, for the hugs, and heart to hearts, for the moments when I was at my lowest, for not abandoning me, but picking me up, when things were are their heaviest, and helping me carry the weight of the world. Thank you. For seeing past all the bitterness, anger, hurt and broken parts of me, and offering words of kindness and seeing what I couldn't see and helping me learn to change my views.

I'm not my best, but I am getting better, and I will keep going. I am a survivor. A blessed survivor.

Love...

Yes, I said "Love..." and not "Love."

Growing up, in high school, relationships arent really supposed to last. Of course, as with everything in life, there are exceptions, where people marry their high school sweethearts and it is something everyone would love, to be so young and find the love of your life and not go through all the other people to find the one.

Some people in this life never find the one. Interesting concept to think about, "the one"....in some cases I believe in a person having a single "soul mate", but others, I believe there are so many options for so many.

I have been glad that every relationship in my past ended, looking back always gives 20-20 enlightenment. There was one relationship I almost found being an exception until I remembered why I am happy I didnt end up with him, but I havent loved anyone the way I loved him, and no one has broke my heart, the way he did.

Everyone in my life knows, I have really had a way of choosing the men I have allowed in my life when I got into college and started dating. Two relationships were jokes, a rapist, players, dogs, men who wanted affairs, stalkers...

And my relationships with men havent been the only hurtful relationships to me. I have had friends, and trusted leaders betray me. I have been objectified and brought to a human level, only by being used by someone else who was using me in a different way than I was using them. I dont know how anyone could blame me for being terrified of caring for people, relationships and for not trusting anyone, including myself.

But by far, my relationships with men, have been the most hurtful. I have always had a void within myself that I have tried to fill with one thing or another, but when I used men, even with good intentions to fill that void, I ended up with a deeper, darker hole to fill in the end.

It took me two very long, painful years to finally say I was "OK", JUST ok...and mean it. I wouldnt trade that progress for the world, for anyone or anything, and I am not going back. I have dealt with my past and it is time to let go of all the baggage and move forward and make room for the positive in my life. But I am still healing. I wont put a measurement of time on it, because I want to do this right. And I am not letting anyone define me, my life, my standards - because I am so much more and I am worth heaven and earth.

It seems January is the month I usually end up starting to date someone...sometimes I get those feelings and desire to be in love, or to be with someone...but a part of me is terrified. Superstition takes over with fear. Everything I thought I knew about me, and life has changed. I have been rebuilding my life, and expanding my horizons. I am still learning, because this life doesnt come with a manual. The thing is I dont want to love because I am lonely, I want to love when I am ready, and I dont know if I am ready.

There is so much inside of, although I consider myself a beautiful mess...I still feel like there are ugly parts inside of me, that I dont want to share with anyone, it is already hard enough to share them with friends and family - I am eternally grateful for those who have stood by my side the last two years through the ups and downs, but especially when things got to their ugliest points and still loved me, supported me and lifted me...those who didnt give up on me, when I had given up on myself, because I did. I wouldnt be here without them. But this is my burden, my hurt. I have to sort it out and deal with it on my own, so I can be whole on my own and not just patch things up with a man...

I am terrified of loving someone and letting them in, I have a hard time letting go, because when I feel, my feelings lead, over my logic and experience - because my logic keeps me safe, but it also hurts me. I need to feel safe and secure. Love hurts, even if it is good. Relationships entitle a commitment I am scared to give, because I am apt to leave, I dont know what good is, because I havent gotten it - but I sure as hell know what bad is, and the moment I find it, or even begin to recognize it, I run.

My heart is fragile, I just got it back. It is a holy place...there is still such a mess inside and no one can clean it but me. I dont know if even God has healed it at all, because as much time as I have spent with my knees on the floor, I never felt better. Its hard to share, its hard to give, when you dont get what you give.

A part of me wants to be rational and says "get back on the horse, because if you never try, you'll never win"....but part of me says "I wonder if I am playing a losing game". A part of me says everyone is different...and I might be missing out on something good, but a part of me doesnt want to try. I have been damaged enough and I dont


How do you know when it is right? How do you know when its worth it? I dont know.
But I know I need to worry about me right now, because I dont need the stress of a relationship. A part of me wants something, but the smarter side of says, its not the right time.

A moment of weakness, what you never would know.

Sometimes the pain of what has happened to me, gets the best of me.

I hate what you did to me.

I hate how I lost friends. I hate how I lost my happiness. I hate how I lost my security. I hate how I lost faith and trust.

I hate how you forced me to change my whole life, inside and out, up and down, no corner left untouched.

I hate how you took all I had, in ignorance of my voice.

I have to forgive myself for what I feel and how I react.

But you want to know moments that have scarred me for life?

When I had to sit alone in a walmart bathroom stall and take a pregnancy test.
When I had to take pregnancy tests alone for 3 months.
All when I had grown up with the dream, shattered, that I would be waiting anxiously with a man, my husband, who I was very in love with, and who loved me, unconditionally - and we had wanted and tried to have a child out of love, not out of lust. Facing the fact that I might have had your child, out of your selfishness, your mistake...alone.

When I had to take tests, that would potentially effect my future...my relationships, my health, my ability to not only exist, but to live. Tests that would possibly change my husbands mind, tests that could change my choice to have children, healthy children. And having to take those tests alone.

I hate how it wasn't enough only for you to disrespect me in the most hurtful way a person can disrespect another person, but for you to be the offender to blame the victim, and to slander my name.

But mostly I hate how you made me hate myself.
This is what you made me.

And what you did to me, you already did to you.

Confusion

Do you remember when we first met?

Do you remember every step you took to get into my life? Become my life?

Do you remember how I told you, that you gave me my heart back when I had nothing to give, and since you had...all I had to give, was yours?

Do you remember I told you, I define "ride or die"?

Remember when you used to care?

I do. I remember everything.
And I try not to.

I'm trying to get over you.
But nothing replaces you.       Close that door.

I don't know if I want you to love me...at all. Your confusing me.

Blindsided, losing my lover and best friend. You say what we had is gone, but when we talk, there are times when its just like it used to be, but in reality, nothing is like it used to be.

I don't know what you think, my feelings don't matter to you anymore. I never want to see another girl with you, but I hear about it, and that still hurts. You gave me no other choice, but obviously, I wasn't your first choice, so don't be mad that I do what I have to do. I would have chosen you.

It hurts me, the things you say and do. I see them. I hear them. I feel them.

Love is like the current in the ocean. Swim out...out in the deep and once your in and under deep, you cross the line, the currents wont let you go back on shore. How can you ask me to do that?

Stranger, I dont know you anymore. And now when all is done, there is nothing to say. You have gone and so effortlessly. You have won, you can go ahead tell them. all we had is gone now. Tell them I was happy, and my heart is broken, all my scars are open, tell them what I hoped would be.

Falling out of love is hard. Falling for betrayal is worst....broken trust and broken hearts,thinking all you need is there, building faith on love and words, empty promises will wear.
I know, I know.
Don't play mind games with me. I don't believe in real love; I lost the faith.
Convinced no guys will miss me, left in the lost and found.
Don't blame me if I never open up; never being filled with joy, you become a bitter, broken cup.
Afraid to start and say whats in my heart:
History loves to repeat itself; now I'm done with love.

Love

Trust once betrayed, in one form, shatters the entire foundation.

I cant help the thoughts "what if"...the worst...

I don't know if you meant it when you said you loved me and fell out of love with me, or if you never meant it and I was a trophy to add to your collection.

I'm inclined to believe it was never love, because of past lessons I learned, that love doesn't change. There isn't an "exit" sign when your in love.

Although they say to fake it till you make it, sometimes I wonder if that's right. So much on my mind...

Acting like I never loved you...that I still don't carry that same love for you, is a disgrace to you, because I would be lying - to everyone, myself included. I don't regret it, I just cant forget it.

Its time to let it all go, not easy, I fought it, but at one point I am going to have to deal with it, why not now so I can get to moving. I'm not saying to sit and cry, cause I know that will never change anything.

I know it wont change the fact that you broke promises, it wont change the fact that I still want to talk to you everyday, and share the rest of my life with you, it wont change that it hurts me that your not here to hold me when I need you most and just want to be with you. It wont change that I fell so deep in love with you.

But there are steps in moving on, and I missed a couple. Its fine, I stepped ahead to far ahead, missed a step and tripped, its alright. I have to get up and move on, there is no other choice.

I love you and I miss you, but it wouldn't be right to keep doing it. I wish we never did it and loved it, I don't know if we can be friends...and that is what I want most from you, since its all I can get...but we cant take it back - I was the super girlfriend, but I am human...and I don't know if I can do it, now everything is different, losing my lover and my friend.

Saying hello to goodbye. I think...