July....and the beauty in becoming.

What do you think of when you hear the word "July"?

"Fireworks?
                     Freedom?
                                      Summer?
                                                     Pools?
                                                                 Parties?
                                                                             Independence? "

I laid in bed last night, disappointed that I no longer associate any of these words with July;

that on the day when I should be celebrating my freedom, that good - great men gave their lives for...I am remembering when mine was taken away from me. I despise that I think of this part of my past.

Not to complain, only to express all the feelings inside me...

I want to celebrate...I feel like this is my way of making a change...I want to fully embrace my life as my own. This is my turning point to brighter days, filled with more, more.

A year ago, the unexpected, unbelievable, unforeseeable, and for some, unforgivable happened. No one could have ever prepared me for what blind sided me; young, naive`, innocent....

My freedom was taken...
My voice silenced....
My feelings ignored....
My choice, discarded.

A crime against me, put me into a world I didn't know could exist for me....moving forward, breaking through and finding middle ground...even a year later, is still a journey I am taking.

Trial and error, I have grown. Hurt, pain, sorrow - depths I didn't know could exist...situations, feelings, experiences...I didn't know about, never imagined.

All these experience have helped grow and learn, easy...please. Most difficult thing in my life, no doubt...with no exaggeration.

A year ago, I lost everything. A year later...a point I never thought I would ever see, I used every bit of strength I had to pull myself up, to crawl, to learn to walk....one day I will be running, and having lost everything, I will have everything.

There is no doubt in my mind, how good my God is. There is no doubt that His promises wont be fulfilled. I know one day, I will recompensed for, I know I will be healed and whole. I know that those moments of most bitterness, will no longer exist and my happiness, joy and love will be more than I can hold within me. I know everything I want and have been working for will be mine. That the moment when he took my life from me, will no longer be a loss, only a faint memory and he will no longer mean anything to me, it will no longer hurt.

It hurts my pride to admit, I have been hurt, deeply hurt. But a year later I have can say it. Forgiveness, has brought me here, and I know where I am going, and I know it will get me there....God has never failed me.

Never again will my freedom be taken from me, never again will my voice be silenced...never will I let anyone steal my happiness, my peace....steal anything, and everything from me...I will not be acted upon, ever again.

My Declaration of Independence, my step to move forward, to change, to just BE.
I wont associate the 4th of July with my greatest lost any longer, I will associate my greatest moment of growth and change and self realization and value. My chin is finally up. I know who I am, my worth...and I wont let anyone try to take it from me.