Peices of me.

Admittance hurts my pride, saying what I feel makes me vulnerable and my feelings intensify, irrational - maybe, but my feelings are valid. I still don't trust myself.

No matter the loud music, the amount of time spent in service, how busy I stay working and running...pushing the "restart button" in my life - no matter how much I go out and live it up, no matter how many good people I bring into my life, no matter how much time I spend dating other people....

There is no remedy for the broken hearted...people die from broken hearts. Surprised I am still here, but a beating heart is a beautiful thing, no matter how many scars make up that heart. Some are beautiful, some are ugly and deep. But they say time makes things better....I question the faith and hope I have. Nothing makes it better when I hurt.

Blind sided, it makes me not want to give - to shut off entirely. What I want, irrelevant, and there is nothing I can do, no one I can be to change it. I wish it were different.

Frustrations and insecurities rise, looking through all my thoughts, looking over my shoulder. Who I used to be, I was happy. Everything they put me through, I didn't deserve, but choices made weren't mine, and consequences are what I live with everyday, but wishful thinking wont get me anywhere...finding what to do, where to go, how to be - knowing how to move on...that's the hardest.

You took, all I could give, and more. The unthinkable, you did. I didn't know who I was, and its taken time to reach this point, but this a journey I never could see, and I still have a long road to walk. Often, it feels lonely, some points I have enough courage to raise my head, but the hurt I feel is something that isn't going away any time soon, and the next step often takes all I have, and the result is only m crawling. I want to run.

Although I learned many lessons, your effect ripples to every part of my life. The aftermath, most don't understand; and the feelings caused by what you did, changed me. See, they don't tell you your whole life changes, everything changes. They don't tell you, that the people in your life feel the repercussions of your choice. The lessons you taught unfair, and too extreme....I have to find my middle ground. And it isn't easy.

No trust, assumptions that everyone else intends hurt - closing myself off, being too guarded. Everything I used to be, how I saw the world, my beliefs you changed, shamefully admitted you broke me. And now I am stuck here trying to put it together and come back better. I don't trust myself and don't know if I can do it, I am only human.

But even with time, I still feel depleted, broken and empty, if I only had a wish, I would be whole and restored. It wasn't my fault, but I still fight with myself over it. Knowing is something different, but feeling what I know, is on another level. My feelings, I don't know what to do with them, but I do know I don't want them. I'm left with so many questions, and I know they wont be answered in this life.

God I'm sorry, forgive me, but the hurt I felt has changed me...I pray it is temporary. But it feels longer than a "small season". My bed knows my heart well, it has seen what they have done - the tears God counts, and one day will testify against you. God I didn't mean what I said, just stay with me.

Transitional points, always difficult, but I have no choice, I have to do my best, too often I feel I fall short. Friends, blessings....try to talk me through it all, trying to reconfirm I will be OK, I will get through it, it will get better - but its hard to believe. I just wont give up, test of my faith, I hope proves itself.
This isn't me, and I have all the more reason to be, its hard letting go, especially of things that you want, familiarity and choice, but I don't see like God does, and maybe its for the best. If he sees fit that I can undergo all of my burdens, then I will, but it wouldn't be my choice, but I have to trust him. Grateful, some days when my vision is cleared; but I need the good people in my life to try to understand, and to be patient. One day I hope I will be better. I'm still going....its been awhile, but it will still be awhile. I don't know how much more I can do.

Forgiveness is required, patience, work - hard work...if I have to cry, I have to. I need to let it all go. Didn't ask for any of it, didn't want it. I got to get this out of my mind, out of me. I deserve to smile. Make it through the probems and the pain, hold it down. It has to get better.

Fake it till you make it, (kind of already did that...denial isnt my best friend) get up dress with a smile, don't let them see you down, its what they want, front and cover it up. Get over it, in time they wont matter anymore. Chin up, take that step, move forward - its the only choice I have. Silence the voices in your head that were left there to ruin the rest of what is rightful yours. Happiness and peace, my life belongs to me. A little more faith, a little more hope, give when you feel there is nothing left to give.

There is no replacing, only building.
Easily said, time to live it.