Suicide.

A friend posted this on his facebook status.

"Suicide."

Apparently he had been watching the movie 7 Pounds with Will Smith. I have seen that movie and I love it. I think it is so beautiful, and contains so much depth. It brought me to recollection of my life in the last two years...

I was once told people with depression just feel deeper and more intensely than most people. When I heard this, I was at a point in my life, when I was so numb, I couldn't feel any emotions...if someone told me that someone they loved died, mentally, I knew it was sad, but my ability to offer my emotions, my humanity, my sympathy...from my heart, I couldn't.

When I was younger, I had my depression, I was sad because of (looking back now) seemingly small, and less important things. I was taken off my dance team for not looking ideal, and being skinny enough. I was told I couldn't get my black belt by the time I graduated (by the way, I ended up getting several black belts by graduation), I was mad when I got grounded and was forbidden to see my "boyfriends"...so of course, there were times when I was being dramatic and thought, sometimes wished I wasn't here, because I didn't like hurting, but I never knew I could hurt like I have.

Now, things hurt more - this journey gets harder when you start your changes from high school to college, and then some. I still have a long way to go before my journey is through, but I know I will be OK through everything.

In the last two years, I have been suicidal more times than I can remember. Christmas 2010...I remember things got so bad, I finally texted my mom and told her I wanted to kill myself. My mom put me on house arrest, with the only exception of work - and was constantly looking after me to make sure I was OK, my dad found an emergency therapy with his work to help me get through my suicidal moments. It lasted 2 weeks...there was 3 attempts that were hampered by a friend, a couple thoughts influenced by friends, and a call from my mother.

In the last year, there have been 2 super big events , but multiple small break downs. When you hurt so much, that you cant seem to catch a break, and you feel dead inside and a genuine smile you used to have is as rare as rain in the desert, when the life in your eyes leaves...when you try to stand but fall time and time again, and are kicked when you are down, by everyone, intentionally and unintentionally, when you are betrayed by trusted friends, leaders...

When nothing you do makes you feel better, when you feel suffocates and like your drowning...and everything is reversed, when you used to rarely have bad days and most good days - and now you have more bad days, in over a 2 year period you could count how many "OK" days you had on one hand. That depression, that takes ahold of your heart, even your soul....that sucks the life out of you literally, until you literally have nothing to give, infact, you cant even help yourself take what love and care the most important people in your life try to give you...when life loses all purpose, hope and meaning...there isn't anything worth living for.

I am a strong person, I can recall a week when my closest friends all within the same week, told me "wow, you are going through hell, and I don't know how you are making it still...". I know how I made it, when I gave up on myself, I had others who wouldn't give up on me.

I don't remember what happiness or peace feel like; I am finally in a place where I can say I am "OK" and mean it, it has been a long time since I could say that. "OK" isn't where I want to be, or should be, I know I deserve better, but it is progress - and any kind of progress, even small progress is still progress and I will take what I can get, because it gives me hope that one day, I will have what I so desperately want. It hasn't been pretty, it has been so ugly, this beautiful mess inside of me, but I am making new, better choices for me, to get better, to move on, and be happy.

I just want to thank everyone who has stood by me and continues to stand by me through all the mess, and all the broken, ugly parts of my life that I am still cleaning up, all the hurt I am still healing from, all the loss I am still recovering from, the demons I am still fighting, and my past I am learning to settle myself with and come content and at peace with. Thank you for not giving up on me, for loving me when I have been unlovable - for holding my hand, supporting, encouraging, lifting, trying to understand, for offering all you could to help me, for the hugs, and heart to hearts, for the moments when I was at my lowest, for not abandoning me, but picking me up, when things were are their heaviest, and helping me carry the weight of the world. Thank you. For seeing past all the bitterness, anger, hurt and broken parts of me, and offering words of kindness and seeing what I couldn't see and helping me learn to change my views.

I'm not my best, but I am getting better, and I will keep going. I am a survivor. A blessed survivor.