Love...

Yes, I said "Love..." and not "Love."

Growing up, in high school, relationships arent really supposed to last. Of course, as with everything in life, there are exceptions, where people marry their high school sweethearts and it is something everyone would love, to be so young and find the love of your life and not go through all the other people to find the one.

Some people in this life never find the one. Interesting concept to think about, "the one"....in some cases I believe in a person having a single "soul mate", but others, I believe there are so many options for so many.

I have been glad that every relationship in my past ended, looking back always gives 20-20 enlightenment. There was one relationship I almost found being an exception until I remembered why I am happy I didnt end up with him, but I havent loved anyone the way I loved him, and no one has broke my heart, the way he did.

Everyone in my life knows, I have really had a way of choosing the men I have allowed in my life when I got into college and started dating. Two relationships were jokes, a rapist, players, dogs, men who wanted affairs, stalkers...

And my relationships with men havent been the only hurtful relationships to me. I have had friends, and trusted leaders betray me. I have been objectified and brought to a human level, only by being used by someone else who was using me in a different way than I was using them. I dont know how anyone could blame me for being terrified of caring for people, relationships and for not trusting anyone, including myself.

But by far, my relationships with men, have been the most hurtful. I have always had a void within myself that I have tried to fill with one thing or another, but when I used men, even with good intentions to fill that void, I ended up with a deeper, darker hole to fill in the end.

It took me two very long, painful years to finally say I was "OK", JUST ok...and mean it. I wouldnt trade that progress for the world, for anyone or anything, and I am not going back. I have dealt with my past and it is time to let go of all the baggage and move forward and make room for the positive in my life. But I am still healing. I wont put a measurement of time on it, because I want to do this right. And I am not letting anyone define me, my life, my standards - because I am so much more and I am worth heaven and earth.

It seems January is the month I usually end up starting to date someone...sometimes I get those feelings and desire to be in love, or to be with someone...but a part of me is terrified. Superstition takes over with fear. Everything I thought I knew about me, and life has changed. I have been rebuilding my life, and expanding my horizons. I am still learning, because this life doesnt come with a manual. The thing is I dont want to love because I am lonely, I want to love when I am ready, and I dont know if I am ready.

There is so much inside of, although I consider myself a beautiful mess...I still feel like there are ugly parts inside of me, that I dont want to share with anyone, it is already hard enough to share them with friends and family - I am eternally grateful for those who have stood by my side the last two years through the ups and downs, but especially when things got to their ugliest points and still loved me, supported me and lifted me...those who didnt give up on me, when I had given up on myself, because I did. I wouldnt be here without them. But this is my burden, my hurt. I have to sort it out and deal with it on my own, so I can be whole on my own and not just patch things up with a man...

I am terrified of loving someone and letting them in, I have a hard time letting go, because when I feel, my feelings lead, over my logic and experience - because my logic keeps me safe, but it also hurts me. I need to feel safe and secure. Love hurts, even if it is good. Relationships entitle a commitment I am scared to give, because I am apt to leave, I dont know what good is, because I havent gotten it - but I sure as hell know what bad is, and the moment I find it, or even begin to recognize it, I run.

My heart is fragile, I just got it back. It is a holy place...there is still such a mess inside and no one can clean it but me. I dont know if even God has healed it at all, because as much time as I have spent with my knees on the floor, I never felt better. Its hard to share, its hard to give, when you dont get what you give.

A part of me wants to be rational and says "get back on the horse, because if you never try, you'll never win"....but part of me says "I wonder if I am playing a losing game". A part of me says everyone is different...and I might be missing out on something good, but a part of me doesnt want to try. I have been damaged enough and I dont


How do you know when it is right? How do you know when its worth it? I dont know.
But I know I need to worry about me right now, because I dont need the stress of a relationship. A part of me wants something, but the smarter side of says, its not the right time.